21 Oct How to heal a wound of abandonment?
My name is Laurence DELINOT and I am a certified practitioner of Ericksonian hypnosis and humanistic hypnosis since 2010. I have also been trained inEMDR to complement my practice and support people on their emotional healing journey. In this article, I’ll be talking about the abandonment wound and how to heal from it. If you recognize yourself in this description, if you suffer from emotional dependence in your relationships, then it may be time to make an appointment. If you’d like to learn more about emotional woundsdon’t hesitate to read my article on the rejection wound.
The insecure attachment bond at the root of the abandonment wound
The wound of abandonment develops early in life, whether through a traumatic event such as abandonment at birth, or the loss of a parent, or depression or any other illness that prevents the attachment figure from caring for the child’s vital needs. The wound is rekindled in different ways, in the way the person perceives the absence of the other without any objective link to reality. For example, the birth of a little brother or sister can be experienced as an abandonment, the first day of nursery school as well, and later a break-up in love or friendship. We recognize that in anxious attachmentthe caregiver does not respond consistently to the child’s need for reassurance. In the child’s experience, the suffering of absence is not consciously acknowledged, and the lack is gradually inscribed in a solitude where the other is not there. The child doesn’t feel abandoned, but experiences loss through emptiness. Emptiness is a source of anxiety. In the case of a parent’s death or illness, the child experiences it in the same way. It was there and it’s not there anymore. Separation is painful because it makes the child relive this loss in the flesh.
Abandonment syndrome: the causes of feelings of abandonment
Abandonment syndrome is defined by the constant fear of being abandoned or rejected. Whether in friendly, loving or family relationships. In behavior, it’s an almost absolute availability to others that makes them forget their own needs. Abandoners can’t say no, can’t set limits. There is a constant fear of conflict, and the protection that is naturally put in place very early on to avoid experiencing abandonment is denial. The fear of displeasing is more important than respecting and listening to oneself. The person suffering from this wound is trapped in the judgment of others, projecting their own judgment onto themselves. “I’m not enough” is a recurring limiting belief.
How can you recognize the symptoms of abandonment?
L’anxiety is one of the main symptoms of abandonment. It’s a permanent state of anguish linked to the fear of being left, and finding oneself alone. The fear of being cheated on, in the love relationship without there being any apparent signs, leads to :
- being in control all the time and sabotaging the relationship when there is one
- prevent you from committing or projecting when there is none
Abandoners rarely leave, but will be left, which justifies their fears. Even when the relationship is unsatisfactory, they’d rather be badly accompanied than alone. This is not a conscious choice, but the reliving of past wounds, when we were small and dependent.
What is the mask of the wound of abandonment?
The mask of the abandonment wound is the “dependent”. To avoid the pain of loneliness, the person clings to anything that can reassure them. Substitute objects, such as a blanket as a child, help us cope with our mother’s absence. Later, cigarettes, for example, can become an object that never leaves us. However, not all smokers are abandoned. It depends on your relationship with the object. It has to be a visceral need rather than a habit, a mechanical gesture. Alcoholism also has an intimate relationship with the wound of abandonment. Of course, in human relationships, the other person can become this substitute object onto which the person projects his or her desires and fears in the form of feelings. This is emotional dependence.
How to heal and get rid of a wound of abandonment?
Abandonment wounds, like other emotional wounds, are difficult to heal alone. There has to be a recognition of problematic behaviors, of repetitive patterns that require questioning. This is often what drives people to seek help. An inability to break free from toxic relationships that continue to cause suffering. Most of the time, people suffering from emotional dependence see themselves as victims. They are passive. The path to independence is to regain control of one’s life. Being an actor in your own life. Effective therapy provides the keys, in a safe, therapeutic environment, to regain self-confidence. Regaining self-esteem is the primary objective of therapy. Stop judging yourself and stop depending on other people’s opinions.
Love yourself before you love the other person.
Curing abandonment syndrome with hypnosis
Hypnosis is an interesting and powerful tool for transforming fears and beliefs. Humanistic hypnosis, and in particular the connection to the inner child, is a highly effective practice for healing the wounded inner child. This child is the tiny part of us, the vulnerable part that still lives in the adult. When this child is well, it’s our creative, curious part that marvels at everything. It pushes us to take risks, to dare to change with confidence. When the child is wounded, it invades us with its fears and frustrations, and we find ourselves stuck in repetitive patterns. Transgenerational wounds are also carried by the child. A mother experiencing separation anxiety will transmit her anxiety to her child if she has not done the work of healing beforehand. Hypnosis enables adults to give back to previous generations what belongs to them, helping them to free themselves from inherited false beliefs.
Make an appointment with Laurence DELINOT