28 May Healing the wound of betrayal: consequences, symptoms and solutions
My name is Laurence DELINOT and I’m a certified practitioner of humanistic hypnosis and NLP. Over the past 15 years, I have accompanied nearly 1,000 people who came to me to heal emotional wounds. I’ll be talking here about the wound of betrayal, one of the five wounds of being listed by Lise Bourbeau.
Find out in this article how to identify this wound and the impact it has on our relationships. What’s the best way to heal? Start working on yourself so you don’t have to deal with past traumas, thanks to humanist hypnosis and symbolic therapy, as well as eye movement therapy.
What is the wound of betrayal?
Psychological definition of betrayal
Like all emotional wounds, the wound of betrayal is born in childhood. To grow and develop healthy self-esteem, children need to establish a bond of trust with their parents , and even more so with their attachment figure. Children need their parents’ unconditional commitment to a globally consistent pattern of behavior that will reassure and support them.
There are therefore implicit and legitimate expectations on the part of the child , which can often be overturned. The parents’ expectations of the child – sometimes hidden, other times explicitly expressed – will weigh on the child, who has no choice but to adapt. This bond of trust is sometimes broken and experienced as a betrayal.
What is the mask associated with the wound of betrayal?
According to Lise Bourbeau, each emotional wound (betrayal, rejection, abandonment, humiliationinjustice) is associated with unconscious behavior, which she calls the “mask”. This mask acts as a protection against the wound. For the wound of betrayal, it’s the mask of the controller. As the name suggests, the person who lives deeply with this wound needs to control situations and others, as well as themselves, because it’s impossible to trust.
Here are the traits that can be found in this person:
- hyper-demanding and perfectionist
- difficulty delegating
- impatience, impulsiveness and sometimes domination
- sickly jealousy
- paranoia
- difficulty or refusal to show emotions, express feelings for fear of being betrayed again
- appearance of strength, confidence
What are the most common types of betrayal?
A parent’s betrayal
- Doubting a child’s word when he says he has been abused by someone close to him. Minimizing or calling the child a liar. Defending the abuser.
- Humiliate by repeatedly belittling and mocking, whether in public or private.
- Make the child responsible for the parent’s suffering by making him or her feel guilty, or by using emotional blackmail.
- When the parent’s needs take precedence over those of the child (need to confide in the couple about their problems, need to be reassured by using the child as a cuddly toy, for example).
- Betrayal through abandonment, whether physical, by leaving and never hearing from them again, or emotional, by showing no interest in, support for or affection for the child.
- Breaking promises, lying by omission, whether to protect the child or to protect oneself (in the case of family secrets, for example).
- Using the child to destroy or criticize the other parent (especially in divorce situations)
- Not defending or protecting the child from a violent adult or a violent situation witnessed by the child (in the case of domestic violence, for example).
- Betrayal through blatant favoritism of one child over another
- Neglecting a child’s basic needs
Betrayal in a relationship
- Infidelity and lying are the most common betrayals within a couple.
Betrayal in friendship
- Revealing a secret without the person’s consent
- Talking behind one’s back to cause harm or simply to criticize
- Taking sides against the person
- Humiliate in front of others.
Betrayal at work
- Shutting people out of meetings and projects
- Take ownership of your colleague’s ideas or project
- Breaking promises for promotion or change of position
- Not supporting your colleague or employee
- Unfairly favouring
- Moral harassment, denigration to harm the person professionally
Symptoms and consequences of the wound of betrayal
Emotional and behavioral symptoms
- Need to control situations, others, own image
- Hypervigilance, mistrust overt or covert
- Perfectionism
- Inability to show vulnerability
- Emotional dissociation
- Constant fear of abandonment or double-dealing
- Recurring anger, resentment, feelings of betrayal
- Difficulty challenging oneself and recognizing one’s shortcomings
The relational consequences of betrayal
- Toxic or fusional love relationships (fear of being betrayed, rejected or abandoned)
- Difficulty delegating or trusting, with a tendency to do everything oneself
- Unconscious sabotage of relationships
- Search for recognition
- Fear of being manipulated or exploited
- Difficulty committing to a relationship
- Social isolation
Physical manifestations
- Body tension, rigidity, closed body expression, sleep disorders
How do you heal from a wound of betrayal?
Healing from a wound of betrayal is a process that takes time. This requires both patience and resilience. Certain steps are necessary to achieve regain confidence in yourself and in others. Repetitive patterns of failure in relationships can lead to realizations that can initiate change through self-questioning. In such cases, professional support is essential to free oneself from unconscious thought patterns. A safe environment is conducive to healing.
Key steps in healing the trauma of betrayal
- Identify the injury by observing behaviors related to the controlling mask.
- Work on underlying emotions by identifying and welcoming them (anger, fear, sadness) and expressing them.
- Reconnect with your deepest needs and verbalize them.
Change your thinking patterns
- Transform limiting beliefs linked to the wound, such as “I can’t trust anyone” or “sooner or later, I’ll be betrayed and abandoned”.
- Learn to set limits. Saying no, expressing disagreement, clearly stating what you want or don’t want.
Hypnotherapy, a powerful lever for healing the wound of betrayal
Hypnotherapy allows direct access to the unconscious.
L’ericksonian hypnosis targets behaviors through direct suggestions to the part responsible for them.
L’humanist hypnosis goes a step further, proposing the awakening of consciousness from the source through symbolic therapy. The unconscious uses the language of symbols. The visualization of archetypes such as the inner childThe visualization of archetypes such as the inner child, the wounded masculine and the wounded feminine enables deep-seated beliefs to be transformed and eliminated once and for all. Reconnecting with the wounded parts is the most powerful part of the therapy, and takes place over several sessions. The inner child is the little one in us who has felt betrayed. Recognizing this part in our feelings and providing the listening and compassion necessary for healing enables the child in us to regain confidence. In the end, it’s the adult who regains confidence.
Hypnotherapy results?
In just a few sessions, the person regains self-confidence and accepts that they can’t always control everything. A gradual easing of physical tension, with better sleep quality and fewer intrusive thoughts. An increasingly pronounced desire to open up to the outside world with greater serenity, and to engage in more authentic relationships.
Hypnotherapy provides concrete tools for better emotional regulation and greater awareness of unconscious patterns. There is also a reduction in the emotional charge associated with the event of betrayal. It then becomes possible to make peace with one’s past and integrate one’s life story to gain perspective. A necessary step towards a more harmonious life with oneself and others.
Another possible approach: EMDR
The eye movement therapy enables us to deal with the traumas linked to the wound of betrayal by dissociating ourselves from it in a certain way. EMDR also helps to free oneself from negative beliefs that stand in the way of one’s evolution. When possible, this technique can be combined with hypnosis for greater effectiveness.
How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
To trust again is to trust ourselves first. It’s having confidence in your ability to manage your emotions and express your needs. It means differentiating between past and present, identifying one’s projections and being able to understand the other’s patterns. It also means understanding that communication is the key to good relationships and a framework that guarantees the safety of everyone involved.
Make an appointment with Laurence DELINOT